Lily Hall, LCSW

It’s a fundamentally human experience to have an inner voice that says negative things like “you’re so dumb, why would you do that”, “you don’t look very good in those jeans”, “you’re such a bad friend!”, “you could’ve done that better”, “you’ll never be good enough”.

When you hear that critical voice in your mind, how do you respond to it?

Do you succumb and believe it fully?
Do you fight fire with fire and snap back at it?
Do you try to use logic to challenge it?

Many of us end up falling into an ongoing game of tug of war with our inner critic voice; constantly trying to harshly push it away, ignore it, out-positivity it, or prove it wrong. Most of the time, this game of tug of war just makes the voice get louder.

If you feel stuck in a tug of war with your inner critic, I’d like to present a new way of responding: to befriend. Believe it or not, our inner critic voice isn’t out to get us. What I’ve found to be true about every inner critic voice I’ve interacted with is that it is a protective response; driven by fear, but with a heart in the right place.

When parts of us are driven by fear, they tend to overcompensate and act in extreme ways.

Imagine this: a friend comes knocking at your door frantically trying to warn you of imminent danger, and you slam the door in their face without listening. They love and care about you, so they’re probably just going to get louder and keep trying. If instead of slamming the door, you listen, acknowledge what they see as danger, and respond with appreciation, they’ll probably feel soothed, trust you to take things over, and go on about their day. This same dynamic can apply to responding to our inner critic voice.

What if instead of pushing it away, we met it with curiosity?

Why is it saying this?
What is it afraid might happen if it didn’t say this?
Did it learn to behave this way from anyone in your life?

This part of yourself has likely dedicated itself to saying experiences from the past can never happen again. Maybe it’s afraid you’ll disappoint your mom again like the one time you got a B in 3rd grade. Maybe it’s afraid you’ll have to feel embarrassed again like that one time a peer made fun of you as a kid. Building an understanding of why our inner critic is acting in this extreme way allows us to respond in a more effective and attuned way to this part of ourselves.

If the inner critic feels heard, and doesn’t feel alone, it can begin to create a safe enough environment in our inner world to begin to act differently. Knowing that your critic’s heart is in the right place makes it possible to create a cooperative relationship with it and transform it into a valuable resource. This relationship makes an enormous difference in your internal landscape and sets the stage for deeper healing.

If you’re interested in exploring creating a different relationship with your inner critic, we have therapists who can help. If you’re interested in reading further about this concept, I highly recommend the book “Freedom from your Inner Critic” by Jay Earley!